Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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