I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
