i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize