Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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