The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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