I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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