The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
