Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
