I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
