First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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