Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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