Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
