Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
