tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
