Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me