Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby