I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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