Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
