I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Even my vagina gasped.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
