youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
