My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
