I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
