there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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