I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
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