the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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