All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
