Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
