He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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