Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
