first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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