you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
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I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
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my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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