no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
