I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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