Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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