ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
