I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
