Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
