i was born a porn star she said
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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