I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
