My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
As shirtless as possible
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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