I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
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They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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