I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
