I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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