Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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