My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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