I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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