don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
