Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
