I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
