My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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