Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
