Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
