She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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