The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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