Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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