You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
