before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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